Lactation Narration

Just a short note to show off my pumpkin carved with the international breastfeeding symbol. Inspired by peaceful parenting.

My pumpkin

International Breastfeeding Symbol, for reference

Did anyone else carve advocacy pumpkins? Please share!

I have been going to La Leche League (LLL) meetings since Munchkin was born, for 5+ years now. I have been to 7 different LLL groups in the area, but most of my time has been spent with the same one, and I have gone to almost every meeting at that group in the last 5 years, missing only when I was out-of-town or sick. I feel very dedicated to this group, and to LLL as an organization. I have been the treasurer of our group for over a year now.

But I am not a Leader. I have considered it many times, but I just never took that step.

Why not? Here are a few of the reasons that are holding me back:

1. I don’t want to be restricted in what I can say at meetings. LLL Leaders represent the organization, and there are times when the Leaders can’t speak on certain topics because of that role. For example, sometimes someone will ask for a recommendation for a doctor, or someone will ask a question about circumcision or another topic. LLL has a pretty strict policy about not mixing causes, and Leaders cannot speak to these topics because they represent the organization. But I can, and I do. I don’t like the idea of being restricted in what I can say. I also wonder who will answer these questions if I cannot, and the other leaders cannot either. Sometimes there are many mothers at a meeting and someone will be there who can speak to those questions, but other times the meetings are small.
2. I don’t really want people calling me at my house. I could probably do a little better as an email contact resource. But my style is more to pick and choose which questions I feel comfortable and qualified to answer and just answer those, leaving other questions to those with experience in that area. I’m not sure I want to be available to all-comers.
3. I don’t really like talking about newborn issues. A lot of the newcomers come to LLL with newborn questions, and I just don’t feel like that is an area that I feel the most knowledgeable or passionate about. It feels like such a small part of my own breastfeeding journey, and so long ago. I think it is hard for me to relate to newborn issues.
4. Some people seem to think of LLL Leaders as a free Lactation Consultant, and I don’t think I want that job. I don’t know that I want the weight of responsibility on my shoulders for someone else’s breastfeeding success or failure. I know that I wouldn’t really be responsible for another’s success in that way, but I fear that I would feel that way. When you are a leader, people look at you with more authority, and that translates to feeling more responsibility. As an active member, I am just a mother giving advice, and I feel very comfortable with that role, but I’m not sure how it would feel different as a leader giving advice.
5. I don’t want to do it just for the sake of doing it. I dropped out of my PhD program because I realized that I was in it just for the degree, not because I actually wanted to do the things that a PhD does. Now I have a Masters degree and a job that I like. I fear that becoming a LLL Leader would be like getting my PhD, that I’d just be doing it to say that I did it, not because I actually want to do the things that a Leader does.

Yep, I've read all of these

Now don’t get me wrong. I pretty much live and breathe breastfeeding. Many people do already consider me an expert and come to me for advice. I pass out breastfeeding advice just about daily, whether in person or online. When I’m not talking or writing about breastfeeding, I’m reading about it. I support the mission and philosophy of LLL. I don’t think I’d mind leading meetings – that doesn’t intimidate me as much as it used to. And I am already involved in a lot of the planning and management part of our group as the treasurer.

Last night I was asked to consider (again) becoming a leader, but I’m just not sure if I want to do it. My leader thinks it would be an easy process for me and that I could get it done in a matter of weeks based on my current experience level (I thought the process would take closer to a year).

But is there a good reason to become a leader vs just being an active member with a group job? I could, perhaps, be swayed!

I hear people say that they want to use bottles so that their husband/partner can bond with baby by feeding the baby a bottle. I’ve heard this as the reason from people who decided to feed formula, people who decided to exclusively pump, and people who decided to breastfeed but give bottles too.

We used a bottle occasionally with Sweets to keep her used to it before she started daycare (Munchkin never took a bottle), but my husband did not feel that it was a bonding experience, just a chore, and we would not have done it if I wasn’t going back to work. Maybe his opinion was formed as a result of having never fed Munchkin a bottle, so he knew he could bond with Sweets without a bottle too. He preferred other activities, such as holding, rocking, bathing, and playing with her for bonding. There are so many ways for a father to bond with his baby besides giving bottles.

Here are a few ideas (Note that mothers can also use all of these techniques, whether breastfeeding or not):

1. Hold baby on your chest



2. Take your shirt off – hold baby skin to skin



3. Sit with knees up and baby facing you on legs



4. Look into baby’s eyes



5. Rock baby



6. Talk to baby



7. Sing to baby



8. Dance with baby



9. Read to baby



10. Play with baby



11. Get down on the floor with baby



12. Kiss and hug baby



13. Touch /caress/cuddle baby



14. Wear baby



15. Go outside with baby



16. Bathe baby



17. Sleep with/near baby



18. Let baby sleep in your arms



19. Change baby’s diaper



20. Feed baby solids (when old enough)



So go ahead and breastfeed, and don’t worry about your partner needing to give baby bottles just in order to bond. Your partner will be able to find many other ways to bond with baby.

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I’m celebrating World Breastfeeding Week with Natural Parents Network!

You can, too — link up your breastfeeding posts from August 1-7 in the linky below, and enjoy reading, commenting on, and sharing the posts collected here and on Natural Parents Network.

(Visit NPN for the code to place on your blog.)

It seems like I hear more stories about mothers being given a hard time for nursing in public in the summertime.  Just in the past month, there was the story about the mom on the bus, the mom at the YMCA, and the mom at Whole Foods.  I posted a link to the Whole Foods story on my personal Facebook page, and a friend commented:

So she was not asked to stop just show some modesty about it… I know I’m probably asking for trouble here but why is that not an acceptable compromise? Personally I have no issue with babies eating where they or the mothers please and take no notice of or issue with BF in public but understand why in a public store a degree of modesty would be requested. Its not like she was exiled to have to do it in a dirty bathroom or asked to leave (which I do think would have been very wrong) rather it seems to me she is looking for a fight. If it was simply that her baby needed to eat then and there she could have done so but acknowledge the request for modesty caused by the discomfort of another shopper. Her right to feed her baby was not taken away.

1. The law is on the side of the nursing mother. There is no legal obligation for her to cover.  In my state, the law reads, “A woman may breast feed in any public or private location where she is otherwise authorized to be, irrespective of whether the nipple of the mother’s breast is uncovered during or incidental to the breast feeding.”
2. The nursing mother has no greater moral obligation to appease the bystander than the bystander has to appease the nursing mother. And it follows that the discomfort of the bystander does not have greater importance than the discomfort of the nursing dyad.
3. Discretion
   

   This wasn't discreet enough for some because her head wasn't covered

   is subjective and means different things to different people, ensuring that it is impossible to mandate.  It can mean anything from covering the nipple to covering all flesh to covering the entire baby.  Whose definition of discretion should be used? The nursing mother should cover to the level that SHE is comfortable with. That choice is up to her and nobody else.
4. Discretion is often used as an excuse when the real problem is with breastfeeding itself. Mothers have been told not to breastfeed their babies in public even when completely covered by a blanket, or otherwise not showing any skin (such as in my case).  It’s not just that those people don’t want to see you breastfeeding, they don’t even want to know you are breastfeeding.
5. Many mothers who are trying to be discreet feel that using a cover draws MORE attention to themselves. It says “Hey! Look at me! I’m nursing under here!” If a mother just casually lifts her shirt, she is likely to draw less attention to herself.
6. Covers can be impractical.  Many babies refuse to be covered and will just pull a cover off anyway. When my baby was little, I wanted to be able to see her and check on her latch.  In the middle of July, in the heat wave we’ve been having, it is too warm to be covering baby’s head unnecessarily anyway.
7. Modesty refers to “Behavior, manner, or appearance intended to avoid impropriety or indecency”.  To say that a breastfeeding mother is not modest, says that breastfeeding itself is inherently improper or indecent. When strangers, particularly those with some kind of authority, tell a nursing mother to cover up, they are attaching a negative stigma to breastfeeding. They are implying that there is something dirty, shameful, or wrong about it.
8. Fear of nursing in public is one reason many women cite for weaning early or choosing not to breastfeed at all. In order for breastfeeding to become normalized in our society, we need to remove the stigma that says that breastfeeding is improper.
9. Bottle-feeding should not be socially preferred over breastfeeding.  My wish is that breastfeeding mothers be able to feel comfortable feeding their babies in any place, and with as much “discretion,” as would a bottle feeding mother.  Suggesting that a nursing mother needs to cover up while a bottle-feeding mother would not, implies that bottle-feeding is more appropriate than breastfeeding.
10. It is good for society to see uncovered breastfeeding.  Breastfeeding needs to be seen in order for it to be normalized compared to bottle-feeding.  We also need to see examples of breastfeeding in order to learn it ourselves because we learn by seeing it modeled. I believe that a major reason why mothers today have so many more problems with breastfeeding than they have historically is because they have had little exposure to breastfeeding.

Melissa K. of The New Mommy Files wrote in Prioritizing to Find Balance on the Natural Parents Network

My agreement with a cause does not equate to passion. I think gender-neutral parenting is important, for example, and I strive to raise my child without the pressure to fit into a stereotype. The reality is, however, that I am just not as passionate about that particular issue as I am about working to ensure that all women have the information and support they need to breastfeed their children for as long as is mutually desired.

It’s true: Agreement does not equate to passion.  There are many things that I do as a parent, deliberately and with thought.  But I can’t say that they have all become my passion the way that breastfeeding has.

Sweets on my back in the mei tai

I  have a friend who I would say is passionate about babywearing.  She has many carriers, is active on TheBabyWearer forums and is even a moderator, and she started her own local babywearing club.  I babywear too – I have a few carriers, I have posted before on TBW (though I’m not active), and I attend our local babywearing group regularly.  I have rarely even used a stroller except at somewhere like the zoo!  But I wouldn’t say that babywearing is my passion.  It’s just something that I do.

I know people who are passionate about cloth diapers.  Who use cloth from day one, 24/7, and who want their baby to never have to wear a disposable diaper the way I want my kids to never have to taste formula.  I use cloth diapers on Sweets, though I didn’t on Munchkin.  I use cloth at daycare, when I’m traveling out of the house, and even out of town.  But I use ’sposies overnight.  I am active on DiaperSwappers, though it’s mostly in the breastfeeding forums. I wouldn’t say that cloth diapers are my passion either.

Sweets shows off her fluffy Mutt butt

I know people who are passionate about carseat safety.  Who collect carseats the way some collect baby carriers or cloth diapers!  Who become CPST certified because of their passion.  I practice extended rear-facing and harnessing with my kids.  Munchkin RF until she was over 3.5 years old, and Sweets probably will too.  I have an account on car-seat.org, but I only use it for asking questions to the experts there.  I can’t say that carseats are really my passion either.

Munchkin rear-facing at 3.5+ years old

I know other people who are passionate about circumcision or vaccines or spanking.  And these are just the “mommy” topics!

But breastfeeding is my passion. Why?  I know people who breastfeed and it’s just something that they do.  They aren’t that concerned with exactly how long they are going to breastfeed, or whether they supplement with formula now and then, or societal issues surrounding breastfeeding.  They don’t have a desire to join a group like La Leche League to talk about breastfeeding.  It’s just something that they do and it’s part of their life and that’s it.  What turned breastfeeding from ‘another thing that I do’, to my passion?

I first decided that I would breastfeed when I was in college and I took my first immunology class. I was really interested in immunology, and it is what I later went on to study in graduate school. But that first class as an undergrad is when I first learned about how the immunities transferred in breast milk, and I was really struck by how important that was. I knew then that I would breastfeed. My continuing studies in immunology just reinforced that more.

When I became a parent, I did breastfeed. But in the beginning it was basically because of nutritional and immunological reasons – probably the reasons that a lot of people start out breastfeeding. It was for the milk, the food. As Munchkin got older though, breastfeeding became about more than just the milk for me, it became a way of life, a way of parenting, integral to my relationship with her. If I couldn’t breastfeed a future child for some reason, I feel like I don’t even know how I would parent.  It’s not that I think bottle-feeding parents can’t bond with their babies, but my whole way of life would be different, and honestly I would worry that our bond would not be like what I have with my two breastfed kids. Some see breastfeeding as just another way to transfer milk into a baby, a feeding method – I don’t anymore. It is part of my lifestyle now, part of my whole way of parenting.

Sweets nursing at 2 years old

I never knew that breastfeeding would be so integral to my lifestyle.  I had always thought of it as just a feeding method before.  It made me wonder – why didn’t I know this before?  Why didn’t anyone tell me how life-changing this could be?  It made me want to tell other people about it, to spread the good news, so that others could experience this too!  Someone once compared it to how religious missionaries feel – “My life has been changed for the better! I want to tell everyone about it so that they can experience this too!”

When Munchkin was 5 weeks old, I was told by a store manager that I couldn’t breastfeed her in his store. That set off an anger in me that led me to research my rights, and it led me to a community of other mothers who breastfed too. In that community, I heard stories over and over from women who were told that they couldn’t breastfeed, not only in public, but because of medications they were taking or because they were going back to work or because their baby was low on the growth charts, etc etc.

And over time, I saw that so many of these mothers were really being misled. There are rights to breastfeed in public. You don’t have to choose between breastfeeding and working. There are meds for most conditions that you can find a way to breastfeed with. Babies come in all shapes and sizes – they are not all 50 percentile. I heard so many stories of moms being sabotaged in their efforts to breastfeed.

And still, I hear more stories. Women are told that birth interventions don’t affect breastfeeding rates, that they should send baby to the nursery to get some sleep, that there is no such thing as nipple confusion, that formula is necessary to fix jaundice, that colostrum isn’t enough in baby’s first days. Women are told that they shouldn’t let their baby suck for comfort or they should only nurse every 3 hours or that they should always stick to 15 minutes per side. They are being told that their milk has no value after X months, that they can’t nurse while they are pregnant, that they shouldn’t nurse a toddler. And, they are told that it doesn’t really matter, that formula is just as good.

Because of the health implications of breast milk feeding, but also because of the value that I place in my own nursing relationships with my kids, I feel so frustrated that so many mothers’ nursing relationships are being subverted in this way. It makes me want to dispel the misconceptions and help other women to breastfeed. It has fueled my passion and led me to become a breastfeeding advocate.

What is your passion, and how did it come to be more than just ’something you do’?

Happy Birthday Sweets! Today my Sweets turns two!

Sweets, age 2

That means that I have officially achieved my goal of breastfeeding her for two years! Not that I had any doubt, after nursing Munchkin until she weaned on her own at 4+ years, that I could nurse Sweets for at least two years. But it is nice to meet the milestone!

Last night, we were out to dinner at a restaurant with the extended family. Sweets was starting to get restless by the end of the meal and wanted to run around the restaurant. This wasn’t something that I wanted her to do – I preferred for her to stay quietly at the table. So, I whispered in her ear, “Do you want some milk?” She immediately stopped, cuddled into me, and nursed until we were ready to leave.

Nursing Sweets in public, 14 months

I didn’t even think twice about it at the time, but today it occurred to me – I nursed my 2 year old in public, right there in the restaurant – I didn’t bat an eye, I didn’t think twice! I wonder if anyone noticed? I know my mother-in-law did – I did catch her eye, though I didn’t interpret her glance as disapproving at the time.

Did I feel this comfortable nursing Munchkin in public at this age? I don’t really remember. I know that I nursed her in public at our regular restaurant we went to every other week until she was almost 27 months old, but I think I was starting to feel weird about it around that age. If I had had an alternative at that time, I probably would have taken it. But that was our only chance to nurse all day, between my day job and an evening church meeting that I was going to every other Tuesday. My husband went out of his way to meet me for dinner in-between with Munchkin, so that I could see her, but also so she could nurse. I was nursing her in public at that age, but I was feeling a little self-conscious about it and would have preferred not to.

Nursing Sweets in public, 16 months

With Sweets yesterday, there was no necessity involved. I was even the one who offered to nurse her – she didn’t request it first.  I felt completely comfortable nursing her in public.

I’m sure that there are a few reasons, not the least of which being that I’ve been nursing for 5 years straight and I’m pretty used to doing it in all kinds of company by now! I think that with Sweets, there is also the issue that she feels younger than Munchkin did because of her developmental delay. At this age, Munchkin had a vocabulary of hundreds of words and was talking to me in sentences. Sweets has about 5 words that she says well, and about 50 signs, and if she puts two together it’s a big deal! So she just feels like a much younger baby to me.

I have never really been one who feels uncomfortable nursing in public. In fact, I have felt proud of nursing in public, feeling that I am helping to normalize breastfeeding. I have never used a cover that goes over my child’s head for nursing. I am not too worried about what other people think about me nursing a toddler in public – I think that I’m probably about as likely to encounter an issue regardless of whether I’m nursing a newborn or a toddler. My only experience with someone giving me a hard time for nursing in public was when Munchkin was only 5 weeks old, so it certainly wasn’t related to her age. In the past, I have said that I would always nurse in public without hesitation at least until I felt that my child could physically and emotionally understand the concept of waiting to nurse. Past that, I don’t know, I guess until it doesn’t feel comfortable to me anymore. I wonder when that might be this time around!

Until what age did you feel comfortable nursing in public? And did that change with subsequent kids?

I consider myself somewhat of an expert in breastfeeding.  Granted, I’m a lay expert.  I’m not an IBCLC or even any other kind of lactation consultant/counselor/educator/etc. I’m not a La Leche Leage leader either (though I am the treasurer for our group).  But I have spent a lot of time breastfeeding and talking about breastfeeding and writing about breastfeeding and thinking about breastfeeding.

I have personally been breastfeeding for almost 5 years, with no end in sight.  I have breastfed while working full-time, with one baby who wouldn’t take a bottle and one who did.  Considering both kids, I pumped at work for 25 months. Neither of my kids ever had a drop of formula.  I have nursed in public – in stores and restaurants, in parks and playgrounds, in daycares and doctors’ offices, in church and at weddings.  I have had people tell me that I had to stop breastfeeding or move elsewhere to do so, and I have had friends and family ask me in advance not to breastfeed at certain gatherings.  I nursed through pregnancy and tandem nursed.  I have nursed during babyhood, toddlerhood, and pre-school years, up to child-led weaning.

I’m not an LLL leader, but I have been to almost 100 LLL meetings with 7 different LLL groups over the past 5 years.  I know several LLL leaders personally, and some others more casually.  I estimate that I have met ~300 moms at these meetings; I’ve heard their stories and have given advice.

As a member of LLL, I have also subscribed to New Beginnings magazine, and more recently, Breastfeeding Today.  I also have a subscription to Mothering Magazine.  Each of these is full of mothers’ stories and information about breastfeeding.  I have read at least 10 books about breastfeeding, including The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, The New Mother’s Guide to Breastfeeding, The Nursing Mother’s Companion, Nursing Mother, Working Mother, The Complete Book of Breastfeeding, The Nursing Mother’s Guide to Weaning, How Weaning Happens, Mothering Your Nursing Toddler, Adventures in Tandem Nursing, and Immunobiology of Human Milk, as well as other books that are primarily on another topic but which also discuss breastfeeding issues (The No Cry Sleep Solution, The Baby Book).

I am active online on message board forums, where I have written ~2000 posts on ~1500 threads about breastfeeding over the last 5 years, which averages to about one per day. That is hundreds of mothers that I have “talked” to and advised about breastfeeding.  I have read even more mothers’ stories online that I didn’t have the time or inclination to respond to.  I am a moderator on the Natural Parents Network forums.

I follow breastfeeding blogs.  Heck, I write one!  I follow breastfeeding interest groups and people on Twitter and Facebook, and my Facebook profile is full of breastfeeding stories and articles to share.

I have written letters to my elected officials.  I have attended a nurse-in.  I have lobbied to get a lactation room in my workplace (and won).

I work as a bench scientist in immunology, so I work on B cells and antibodies. I work on leukemia, not anything really related to breastfeeding, but I am familiar with the basic immunological properties of breastmilk.  Sometimes I fantasize about working in a lab that studies lactation immunology. Sometimes I fantasize about getting a degree in public health from the Carolina Breastfeeding Institute too.

People at work know me as a breastfeeding resource.  Co-workers routinely ask my advice, and I have recruited several of them to the nearby LLL evening meeting.  I have had strangers at work email me for advice because they have heard, due to the lactation room effort, that I am an expert.  My boss asked me to email his friend’s daughter because she was having trouble breastfeeding.  And I have helped these people. My boss’ friends’ daughter emailed me back a month later thanking me, because she had seen multiple lactation consultants and doctors, but it was my advice that turned out to make the difference for her.  My co-worker told me that I was her breastfeeding superhero of support!

So, with all that said, WHY can’t I get people in my own immediate family to listen to my advice about breastfeeding?  Why do they insist on following awful advice from their hairdresser’s sister’s kids’ teacher instead of listening to me?  It is very frustrating to me that strangers, acquaintences, and co-workers want my help and advice, but not my own family.  Why can’t I help the people who I care most about with the thing that I am passionate about?

This post was written for inclusion in the Carnival of Breastfeeding: Your Family History.
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My mom doesn’t know if she was breastfed as a baby.  My grandmother died several years ago, and by the time I was breastfeeding my children, and my mom thought to ask about it, it was too late.  My mom was the youngest, so she didn’t see how her mother fed any of her siblings.  And my mom’s sisters are several years older and don’t remember anything about how their mom fed her babies.  If they were breastfed, it wasn’t something that was talked about.

My sisters were both adopted, and were formula-fed, so I never saw my mom breastfeed.  But I always knew that I was breastfed as a baby.  I remember my mother’s stories about how she went back to school with an hour train commute each way, and by the time she was on the train coming home her breasts were rock hard and hurting.  As soon as she walked in the door, she would say “Give me the baby!” and my dad would happily hand over the screaming baby.  I asked my mom, why didn’t she just pump while she was at school?  Even if just to relieve her engorgement?  She said she tried, but that it just didn’t work.  The pump she had was the kind where you squeeze a bulb.  She said nothing came out.  Eventually, the pain of engorgement got to be too much for her, and she decided to wean me when I was 7 months old and the new semester started.

My mom weaned me cold-turkey.  She says I was stubborn and wouldn’t take a bottle – I would just wait until she got home.  She said the only way to get me to take a bottle was to just refuse me the breast altogether, so that’s what she did.  I think it took over 24 hours before I would take the bottle!

My mom breastfed me in the ‘70s, when as she puts it, “only the hippies were breastfeeding.”  And 7 months was a really long time, even for the hippies.  My mom didn’t know a lot of people who had breastfed.  Breastfeeding rates were at an all-time low in the early ‘70s – only 24% of mothers in the United States initiated breastfeeding in 1971, and only 5% breastfed for at least 6 months.  By 1978, when I was born, my mother was part of 46% of mothers who initiated breastfeeding, and 19% who breastfed for at least 6 months.  So, while she felt alone in breastfeeding, she was actually a part of a growing trend.

I knew that I would breastfeed my babies, but I didn’t know for how long.  I had the idea, likely reinforced by knowing my mother’s story, that it was nearly impossible to go back to work and continue breastfeeding.

Primarily because I wanted to be able to breastfeed, I originally tried to get a year off of work for maternity leave.  My boss begged me not to leave for a whole year, and promised to do whatever he needed to do to support my breastfeeding.  I took 3 months off completely, and then another 3 months at half-time before I went back full-time.  I was really worried that I wouldn’t be able to nurse once I went back full-time, so I made sure to wait until after 6 months.  I guess I thought that 6 months is about how long most people breastfeed anyway, so if I had to quit then, it would be okay.  It would be just what my mom had done with me.

But by the time Munchkin was 6 months old, I had a new goal, and I was determined to breastfeed for the first year and beyond!  I had a quality double electric breast pump and my boss was very supportive in finding me a place to pump even though there was no lactation room available.  Like I had as a baby, Munchkin also refused the bottle while I was at work, but I didn’t wean her – I pumped at work for my comfort and supply, and I let her reverse cycle at night to get enough milk.  Thanks to advice from a supportive community, both in person at La Leche League and on the internet, I was able to combine working and breastfeeding.

My mother and I faced many similar challenges with combining work/school with breastfeeding, but I had several resources that she lacked.  With a supportive boss, a supportive community, and a good breast pump, I was able to successfully combine working and breastfeeding with both of my children.

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Be sure to stop by the other Carnival of Breastfeeding posts:

Christine @ Christine’s Contemplations: Carnival of Breastfeeding- My Family History of Nursing
Judy @ Mommy News Blog: My Family History of Breastfeeding
Jona @ Breastfeeding Twins: Beer & Bottles (and other motherly advice)
Jake Aryeh Marcus: Breastfeeding? Not in My Family
Elita @ Blacktating: Three Generations of Breastfeeding
Mama Mo @ Attached at the Nip: How Women in My Family Feed Babies
Alicia @ Lactation Narration: Only the Hippies Were Breastfeeding
Dr. Sarah: Breastfeeding, Circa 1950s
Motherwear Breastfeeding Blog: An Unbroken Chain

A version of this post also appeared as a guest post on Natural Parents Network (where I am a moderator on the forums) and Code Name: Mama

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Signing with Children for Fun and Communication

Sweets is now 16 months old, and she doesn’t talk. She is currently being evaluated by specialists and is enrolled in developmental therapy, but she doesn’t talk yet. At all. Not even “mama”.

She is learning to sign though!

We already know lots of American Sign Language (ASL) vocabulary in our family – we signed for fun and early communication with Munchkin since she was a baby, and her speech developed typically. We have the entire collection of Signing Time episodes, and Munchkin knew about 50 signs by the time she was Sweets’ age (Munchkin even auditioned for Baby Signing Time!). So when the therapist said we should sign with Sweets, we knew that would be easy – we were already doing it!

For my typically developing child, signing supplemented her communication as a baby and became a fun activity for us to learn together as she got older. For my developmentally delayed child, signing is her only method of communication at this point. Sweets can do about 8-10 signs now, but mostly uses two of them at this point – MILK (as in “mama’s milk”) and MORE.

It has been wonderful to see her learn that she can communicate through signing. Now that she can sign MILK (“breastmilk,” that is), she does it all the time! I think it’s more because it’s fun to ask rather than because she really wants to nurse all the time. I imagine her inner monologue:

“Hey – I can do this thing with my hand . . . and mama stops what she’s doing and pays attention to me . . . and then I get to nurse! How cool is that?! Let’s see if it works again. Yep! Again? Yes! This is awesome power!”

Because I respond to her signing, it encourages her to ask again. And this is teaching her the function of language even though she can’t speak yet. I think it has been especially meaningful for her to learn to sign MILK because nursing is very important to her.

Signing for Communication

The primary benefit that most people desire when they sign with their hearing baby is added communication with a baby who is pre-verbal. When a pre-verbal baby or toddler can communicate her needs, she has less frustration and less need for crying and tantrums. But besides communicating basic needs, signing can also give you a window into the thoughts of your small child.

I remember a time when I was carrying 13 month old Munchkin to the car, and she suddenly started signing BIRD excitedly. I looked around, and indeed there was a bird in the tree nearby! I had known that she could sign BIRD when looking at a picture of a bird in a book, but this was the first time that she really initiated a sign to indicate an interest in the world around her rather than to express a need. It really made me aware at that moment that she was an actual little person inside this little baby body, with her own thoughts that I wasn’t necessarily aware of, and her thoughts were about more than just her basic needs. I loved that I had that window into her thoughts at that young age.

Other Practical Benefits of Signing

Besides the obvious benefit of communication with your pre-verbal child, sign language also has benefits for your child even after she is verbal. Your child can communicate with you discreetly and quietly when you are in public. Some people have “code words” for their toddlers to use when asking to nurse in public because they don’t want to advertise their nursing to everyone. Signing accomplishes the same goal of discretion when your toddler asks to nurse in front of others.

Another benefit is that your little one can ask to nurse without interrupting your adult conversations. This benefit isn’t limited to just nursing of course. When I was a little girl my mother taught me to sign TOILET when I needed to use the bathroom in public places, which worked well if she was in the middle of conversation with other adults or if I was just feeling too shy to mention it out loud. Another benefit is that signing can be used across a distance when speaking would be impractical or ineffective. I recently used signing in this way from across the room in a restaurant – “YOU WANT WATER, MILK – WHICH?” – and Munchkin was able to tell me what kind of drink she wanted me to order for her.

How Early Can I Start Signing with My Baby?

When your baby is able to make controlled hand movements, your baby can start signing. Can your baby clap, wave, or point? That’s no different from signing! For many babies, this happens around 8-12 months old. You can sign with baby from the start if you want, or you can wait to start signing until your baby can wave. By the way, when I taught my girls to wave, I taught them to do a “princess wave” with an open hand that rotates at the wrist. Many people use a wave with a baby that involves folding the fingers down over the palm, but I find this to be hard to distinguish from the MILK sign, so I chose not to use that type of wave to avoid confusion.

Baby Signs vs ASL

If your goal with signing is just to serve as a bridge of communication before your child is able to communicate verbally, then you may consider “baby signs” instead of ASL. The advantages of baby signs are that they are supposed to be easier for babies to do, and you can make up your own signs instead of having to learn vocabulary first.

I am not worried that ASL signs might be “too hard” for my baby any more than I worry that English words are too hard for her. Babies learn to sign by first doing a “baby talk” version of signs the same way that they do with verbal language, and with practice they learn to sign properly. I prefer to use ASL signs because ASL is a real language, just like English.

By teaching ASL and continuing to use signs after my children learn to talk, I am giving them the building blocks for learning a second language. Because we use real ASL signs and not made-up signs, anyone else who knows ASL signs can understand and communicate with my child too. This has been helpful at daycare, where our teacher also uses ASL signs in the classroom at our request. And one day in the future, my daughter might meet a child whose primary language is ASL, and they will be able to communicate together! That could never happen with baby signs.

What Sign Should I Use for Breastfeeding?

Sweets starts the sign MILK with an open hand

Sweets completes the sign MILK with a closed fist

Many people just use the sign MILK to mean breastfeeding, and then later they use it to mean cow’s milk. There is not much confusion between the two, because the timing often doesn’t overlap in our culture – breastfeeding ends and then cow’s milk begins, and there is no need for the child to have to differentiate between the two with different signs, because she is not experiencing both at the same time.

But for those of us who nurse into toddlerhood, there can be confusion if you want your child to be able to differentiate between nursing and cow’s milk when signing. In our house, we just use the sign MILK to mean any milk at first, but as she gets older, we add MOMMY-MILK or COW-MILK to differentiate. There are other ways to sign for nursing when you want to differentiate from milk in a cup too.  Below are some more examples of other ways you and your child can sign milk (breastmilk or cow’s milk).

1. Use one of the ASL signs for BREASTFEED
2. Use just the sign BREAST for nursing, and the sign MILK for cow’s milk
3. Make a sign like FEED but start the motion just below your breast and extend it down toward the baby for nursing
4. Use the bent O hand shape (like EAT) and tap above each breast for nursing
5. Use the sign MILK for nursing, and the signs CUP-MILK for cow’s milk
6. Use the sign MILK once for any kind of milk, but sign twice (MILK-MILK) for nursing
7. Sign MILK near the breast for nursing, and sign MILK out in front of you for milk in a cup
8. Make up your own sign for breastfeeding!

We have been talking about getting the girls Tegu blocks this year.  My husband thinks they look really cool.  So today, he linked me to Tegu Live, which was pretty fun to watch.  What happens is that you use Twitter to request what you want the Tegu Genius to build, and then he builds it!  I saw him build the Taj Mahal, a giraffe with a bow tie, an ice cream sundae, a cat playing the piano, a windmill, the Empire State Building with King Kong, a fairy with wings and a wand, a hadron collider, a monster truck, Santa and his sleigh, and a chicken.  It’s really cool!

So, my request was

LactNarration
@tegu Can you make a mother with a breastfeeding baby?

Yah, I guess I’m the type that the first thing I ever think of is breastfeeding!  I can’t help it!  They skipped me at first

LactNarration
@tegu The windmill was very cool, but why did you skip me Tegu? So sad.

but then I got

Tegu
@LactNarration Hey we’re building you a baby bottle with love. We support you putting in it with whatever you’d like

Here’s the video of my “request”, the Baby Bottle:

I was kind of annoyed that they wouldn’t make a breastfeeding mama.  I thought the magnets would be a perfect way to keep the baby latched to the mama.  I don’t know if they didn’t want to make it because it was hard to make or because of some more political reason.  But they made a lot of hard things.  And if you know me, you know what I think about bottles as a symbol for babies, so I was really not thrilled with the decision to make a baby bottle when I asked for breastfeeding.

LactNarration
@tegu Thanks but it’s not really what I wanted. Sorta the opposite actually How about a mama holding or rocking a baby? No bottles pls.

Tegu
@LactNarration Our Tegu Genius is building you a baby right now!

The Tegu Genius made two Tegu Babies, one crawler and one toddler, and then he proceeded to rock and “nurse” them at the end!  So fun!  So, not exactly what I asked for, but pretty cute! Tegu, Baby!