Lactation Narration

I don’t know how she does it, but on weekends Sweets is like an alarm clock. She wakes up right at 7am, no matter when she went to bed.

But on weekdays, I often have to wake her up to get her ready for daycare.

This morning, I went to wake her up at 7:15, and she was grumpy!

Sweets, 2 years

She didn’t want to get dressed, she didn’t want to eat breakfast. But she did ask to nurse.

Sweets hasn’t been nursing in the morning every day lately. She used to always nurse twice per day: in the morning when we get up and when we got home from work. But lately, she skips one or even both of these some days. She skips the morning nursing more often, and I’d say she only nurses in the morning about 60% of the time lately.

But this morning, she wanted to nurse. And she didn’t want to nurse in this seat, it had to be in that seat.

THAT ONE!

I’m telling you, grumpy.

She nursed for maybe 20 minutes and got progressively happier and happier and more giggly and playful as she switched back and forth a few times between sides.

When she was done, she started just looking up at me with the most smiley, happy face! She was just so adorable!

I looked down at her and I said “Oh, I just love you!”

And she looked back at me and said “Yah Yoo Doo.”

Love You Too.

And my heart melted.

And then she happily got down and went to the kitchen to eat the waffle that was waiting for her. Then she trotted over to the door, ready to go, and said happily “Ass Doh!” (Let’s Go!)

I’m so glad we are still nursing. We can still turn a grumpy morning into a happy morning, just like that!

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This post has been cross-posted from my other blog, My Baby Sweets.

A mom told me today that she would like to nurse until 12 months, but she is hesitant to nurse much longer because she thinks that a child who can ask to nurse is too old to nurse. This is not the first time I’ve heard this kind of statement, that a child who can “ask for it”, or a child who can walk or one with teeth, is too old to nurse, and that these actions show that the child no longer “needs” to nurse.

The only reason I can think of why someone would link the ability to ask with the appropriateness of nursing is that they associate nursing only with infants. It has nothing to do with a biological indicator of readiness to wean being connected to the ability to speak. The act of a child asking for something can’t possibly have anything to do with a parent not giving it to them. Nobody thinks “if he’s old enough to ask for juice then he’s too old to drink it.” That makes no sense.

Sweets showing off her teeth at 2+ years

What she is really reacting to here is just her perception of “what babies do,” and talking/asking is apparently her cutoff between babyhood and toddlerhood. It’s similar to when others say that when he can walk he’s too old. There is no actual link between walking and nursing. These things actually have nothing to do with each other! Why would a child’s ability to walk show that the child no longer needs to nurse?

The emergence of teeth at least makes a little more sense when discussing weaning age, however it is obvious that an infant with a few teeth would not be able to survive on food alone, therefore the emergence of first teeth is also not a good biological indicator for weaning readiness. A better indication, if you wanted to use teeth, could be a complete set of teeth, which may happen around 2 years old (my 2.5 year old doesn’t have all of them yet though).

Aside from the fact that different children will walk, talk, and teethe at a wide spread of ages, these factors just do not indicate readiness to wean because there is no reason to think that nursing should be restricted only to infants.  Biologically, mother’s milk is still providing needed nutrition and immunities to toddlers, not to mention comfort, warmth, and attention.

Sweets nursing at 2 years

I’ve heard some say that a toddler no longer “needs” to nurse after 12 months because at that age he can digest cow’s milk.  I would counter that humans, in fact, don’t “need” to drink cow’s milk at all!  Toddlers do still have a biological need for milk, but while they could drink cow’s milk after 12 months, cow’s milk is still just a substitute for their mother’s milk, just as formula milk is a substitute before 12 months. The age when a formula-fed baby no longer “needs” formula and can switch to cow’s milk is not actually equivalent to when a breastfed baby no longer “needs” breast milk. Cow’s milk is not the end goal. As long as a child still needs milk in her diet at all, I would say that that child “needs” breastmilk, though of course other milks such as formula milk and cow’s milk are adequate substitutes when this is not possible or desired.

The latest nursing-in-public scandal involves a mother who was nursing in her gym (Pure Fitness). The gym did not want her to nurse in the child care area because they were concerned about children being exposed to breastfeeding without their parents’ specific consent. (It is interesting to note that no actual parent complaints were noted) The quote from the gym included:

We feel that children should not be exposed to these events without every parent being ok with their child being exposed to the action.

This incident reminded me of my own nursing-at-child care experience.  Munchkin never took a bottle, even when I went back to work full-time. One of the ways that I dealt with that was by nursing her at daycare on my lunch break each day. When Munchkin was 15 months old, she was scheduled to move from the infant room to the toddler room, and I was informed that I would not be able to nurse her in the toddler room at daycare. I was told that if I would like to nurse her, I could bring her into the infant room and nurse there, or into the staff lounge, but they felt that it was inappropriate to expose the toddlers to breastfeeding because some of their parents might object (though there had been no parental complaints at that time). I objected to this decision, and wrote a letter to the director of the center detailing my reasons:

1) Breastfeeding is not just for infants

By requiring a mother to nurse her toddler in the infant room, you are implicitly saying that nursing is an activity that is appropriate only for infants, which is incorrect.

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) currently recommends breastfeeding for at least one year because of the associated health benefits to the infant. The US Department of Health and Human Services’ Healthy People 2010 objective is 75% of US mothers initiating breastfeeding and 25% still breastfeeding their children at 12 months of age by the year 2010. According to the CDC, in North Carolina currently only 61% of babies are breastfed initially and 17.6% are still breastfed at one year, which is below the national average, and falls far short of the recommendations. The statistics for working mothers are far worse. According to one study of employed US mothers who started out breastfeeding, only 58% continued after returning to work from maternity leave, and only 5% were still nursing at 12 months.

Breastfeeding continues to benefit toddlers nutritionally and psychologically. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) states that “Breastfeeding should be continued for at least the first year of life and beyond for as long as mutually desired by mother and child… Increased duration of breastfeeding confers significant health and developmental benefits for the child and the mother… There is no upper limit to the duration of breastfeeding and no evidence of psychologic or developmental harm from breastfeeding into the third year of life or longer.” (AAP 2005) The World Health Organization (WHO) exceeds the AAP recommendations and advises breastfeeding for at least two years. This goal is difficult enough to meet for working mothers who are separated from their babies for a significant part of the day, without the negative social pressure that you are currently a part of.

2) Breastfeeding is not indecent, and does not need to be hidden from other children or parents

When you ask me to hide my breastfeeding, it makes me feel that you think breastfeeding is dirty, indecent, or shameful (or otherwise why should it be hidden?). It makes me feel that you think my breastfeeding is something to be ashamed of instead of something to be proud of.  Breastfeeding is not obscene, indecent, or impolite. It is a normal, natural, everyday parenting activity and is a way for me to feed, comfort, and bond with my baby.

No parents have come forward to express discomfort with my breastfeeding at daycare as of this time, so removing me and my child from the room is a response to a potential future complaint. Even if others are uncomfortable, you are then putting the prejudicial social mores of those others above the real needs and feelings of myself and my child.

3) My right to breastfeed is protected by the law

North Carolina law gives me the right to breastfeed anywhere I am authorized to be, whether that location is public or private. If you wish to not allow me to breastfeed in the toddler room, then you would have to revoke my authorization to be in that room. This would go against your already existing open-door policy, as stated in the parent manual: “We do have an Open Door Policy for all enrolled families. Once enrolled, parents are allowed, and even encouraged, to participate in their child’s classroom and in Center events.”

North Carolina law states:
N.C. Gen. Stat. sec. 14-190.9
(B) Notwithstanding any other provision of law, a woman may breast feed in any public or private location where she is otherwise authorized to be, irrespective of whether the nipple of the mother’s breast is uncovered during or incidental to the breast feeding.

4) I enjoy being in my daughter’s classroom

Munchkin (18 months) in the toddler room at daycare

One of the things I like about visiting my daughter at lunchtime is that it gives me a chance to talk to her teachers about how her day is going and what activities they are planning. I also have the opportunity to see how the teachers interact with the other children, and this gives me confidence to leave my daughter in their care while I am at work. Breastfeeding her in the infant room instead of in her own classroom would not allow me to have this interaction with her teachers.

5) I want my daughter to feel “at home” at daycare

I want daycare to be a place where my daughter can feel free to be herself as she does at home. This means that I don’t want her to feel excluded or ashamed because she is breastfeeding. I fear that making her move to another room to breastfeed will make her feel that way, especially if she gets the message that breastfeeding is for “babies,” not for “big girls,” and that it is something that she can’t do openly at school.  I believe that you share these ideals, based on your educational philosophy which states: “We believe that young children need to feel safe, be loved and receive positive feedback and attention. We believe that all children need to be encouraged to develop their unique personalities and explore their interests. All children and their families are respected and valued for their differences.”

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I am happy to report that after reading my letter, the daycare director immediately withdrew her previous decision and told me that I was welcome to nurse my daughter in her classroom any time I’d like. I continued to nurse her on my lunch break until she was 21 months old, and the decision to stop at that time was completely mine.

I think that Sweets is night-weaning herself.  It’s odd, because this is not how it happened with Munchkin. I got pregnant when Munchkin was 27 months old, and I felt like I had to night-wean her at that time.  Munchkin would just sleep latched on all night!  It was a somewhat long process, but she responded well which helped me feel that she was ready.

Sweets is almost 26 months old, so almost the same age Munchkin was when I night-weaned her, but I haven’t even tried to do anything to encourage night-weaning yet.  She basically started to just sleep through the night without nursing, all on her own!

Our normal routine has been that Sweets would go to bed in her own room around 8pm, and I in mine around 10:30.  At some time in the night, she would wake up and call for me.  I’d go in her room at that point, and sleep in her bed the rest of the night while she nursed at-will.  It was the same with Munchkin, but Munchkin would nurse many times, sometimes almost constantly, when I was next to her.  Sweets typically nursed once in the middle of the night, and then once again soon before it was time to get up.

7am and still asleep!

One day about two weeks ago, she didn’t wake up to nurse at all until 6am.  I was very surprised, and even wondered if she might not be feeling well!  I didn’t expect it to happen again though, and wasn’t surprised when the next night she woke up at 2:30am.  But the 3rd night she slept through again, all the way to 7:30!  The next night she woke, and the next she slept through again.  For the first week, she slept through all the way to morning about half the time or more, and this week she slept through almost every night!  Maybe not all the way to 6:30 (when I get up), but until at least 5am.

I have no idea what prompted this sudden change.  My only guess is that she is having a developmental spurt – she is attempting more words and learning more signs rapidly – and that this spurt is affecting her sleep as well as her vocabulary.  And while I wasn’t trying to night-wean her at this time, I’m certainly not complaining!  She is now only nursing 2-3 times per day on weekdays – when she gets up in the morning, when I get home from work, and sometimes again before bed.  On weekends when we are together all day though, she tends to nurse more often.

I know that many of my peers have babies who will sleep through all night far before a year and would think that it was awful to have a 2 year old still waking to nurse nightly.  And I have other peers with 2+ year olds who really wish for a night without nursing.  But it really hasn’t bothered me so far, which I guess is why I haven’t done anything to discourage Sweets from night-nursing yet.

I recently saw that there is a new children’s book about night-weaning – Nursies When The Sun Shines.  The website claims that it is the first children’s book to focus on night-weaning.  I think that’s a great idea for a book, and I think it’s a brilliant addition for this demographic.  I think it will fill a niche, just as books like Adventures in Tandem Nursing, Mothering Your Nursing Toddler, and Maggie’s Weaning have done.  And I’ll probably end up buying it, even if Sweets night-weans all by herself without intervention, just to have it in our library.

Happy Birthday Sweets! Today my Sweets turns two!

Sweets, age 2

That means that I have officially achieved my goal of breastfeeding her for two years! Not that I had any doubt, after nursing Munchkin until she weaned on her own at 4+ years, that I could nurse Sweets for at least two years. But it is nice to meet the milestone!

Last night, we were out to dinner at a restaurant with the extended family. Sweets was starting to get restless by the end of the meal and wanted to run around the restaurant. This wasn’t something that I wanted her to do – I preferred for her to stay quietly at the table. So, I whispered in her ear, “Do you want some milk?” She immediately stopped, cuddled into me, and nursed until we were ready to leave.

Nursing Sweets in public, 14 months

I didn’t even think twice about it at the time, but today it occurred to me – I nursed my 2 year old in public, right there in the restaurant – I didn’t bat an eye, I didn’t think twice! I wonder if anyone noticed? I know my mother-in-law did – I did catch her eye, though I didn’t interpret her glance as disapproving at the time.

Did I feel this comfortable nursing Munchkin in public at this age? I don’t really remember. I know that I nursed her in public at our regular restaurant we went to every other week until she was almost 27 months old, but I think I was starting to feel weird about it around that age. If I had had an alternative at that time, I probably would have taken it. But that was our only chance to nurse all day, between my day job and an evening church meeting that I was going to every other Tuesday. My husband went out of his way to meet me for dinner in-between with Munchkin, so that I could see her, but also so she could nurse. I was nursing her in public at that age, but I was feeling a little self-conscious about it and would have preferred not to.

Nursing Sweets in public, 16 months

With Sweets yesterday, there was no necessity involved. I was even the one who offered to nurse her – she didn’t request it first.  I felt completely comfortable nursing her in public.

I’m sure that there are a few reasons, not the least of which being that I’ve been nursing for 5 years straight and I’m pretty used to doing it in all kinds of company by now! I think that with Sweets, there is also the issue that she feels younger than Munchkin did because of her developmental delay. At this age, Munchkin had a vocabulary of hundreds of words and was talking to me in sentences. Sweets has about 5 words that she says well, and about 50 signs, and if she puts two together it’s a big deal! So she just feels like a much younger baby to me.

I have never really been one who feels uncomfortable nursing in public. In fact, I have felt proud of nursing in public, feeling that I am helping to normalize breastfeeding. I have never used a cover that goes over my child’s head for nursing. I am not too worried about what other people think about me nursing a toddler in public – I think that I’m probably about as likely to encounter an issue regardless of whether I’m nursing a newborn or a toddler. My only experience with someone giving me a hard time for nursing in public was when Munchkin was only 5 weeks old, so it certainly wasn’t related to her age. In the past, I have said that I would always nurse in public without hesitation at least until I felt that my child could physically and emotionally understand the concept of waiting to nurse. Past that, I don’t know, I guess until it doesn’t feel comfortable to me anymore. I wonder when that might be this time around!

Until what age did you feel comfortable nursing in public? And did that change with subsequent kids?

I think I’m ready to call Munchkin weaned. It’s been 3 months since she last nursed. She was 4 years, 7 months, 11 days old.

Though Munchkin hasn’t nursed in 3 months, she has not wanted to call herself weaned. I have offered to read Maggie’s Weaning to her a few times, but she adamantly did NOT want to read that book, or to hear anything about being weaned.

But today was different. This morning, she came into my bed and Sweets was nursing. Munchkin coyly snuck up on my other side and said that she wanted some milk. I said, “You know what? I think you are weaned though.” She said, “I’m not! I don’t want to be weaned!” I said, “But you haven’t nursed in 3 months. That’s a long time. I think it means you are weaned. What do you think?” She just lied down next to me. I said, “We can hug and cuddle, how about that?” She agreed.

We went to church a little while later, and while the kids were in their Religious Education classes, I went and talked to the minister for a bit. I told her that I was thinking of doing something special to mark or celebrate Munchkin’s weaning, and did she have any ideas or suggestions for making such a ritual. She suggested a few things, like giving her a special cup to drink from, that didn’t really resonate that much with me (probably because Munchkin has been drinking out of a cup for years!). But she also suggested giving her a bracelet, perhaps something with links to symbolize our link with each other that continues even after weaning. I liked this idea. She also suggested doing some kind of ritual in the presence of a supportive community, if I have one. I’m sure not everyone has a community that would understand the significance of weaning in our lives at almost 5 years old, but I think that my LLL group should be the right environment for this. I will also admit that I ended up crying quite a bit during this meeting – I guess I have some serious emotions about the end of Munchkin’s nursing days. To her credit, the minister was completely understanding and supportive and never batted an eye that we were talking about my 4 year old weaning, not my 1 year old!

In the car on the way home, I brought up the topic again with Munchkin. I told her that I wanted to give her a gift to celebrate her weaning, and did she have any ideas of what she might like. Predictably, her first thoughts were of toys, but I told her I wanted it to be more special than toys. I mentioned the idea of a bracelet, but Munchkin wasn’t into that. She then suggested a necklace instead, and I said that might work and I would look for something. When we got out of the car, she was a little teary. She said, “I’m going to miss nursing.” I said, also tearing up, “I know sweety, I’m going to miss it too. But everyone has to wean some time.”

Then she asked me if I was sad when I weaned, and I told her that I couldn’t remember when I weaned because I was just a little baby. This seemed shocking to her. She asked, “Why?!” I told her that it was my mommy’s choice to wean me then, and that lots of mommies wean their little ones when they are just babies, and some babies never even nurse at all. She told me, “That is not right! It should be the kid’s choice when to wean!” I laughed a bit and told her that I thought so too, but not everyone agrees.

We looked on the internet for an appropriate necklace, and I think we found the perfect thing. It is a necklace that is made with drops of your own breast milk! I showed it to Munchkin and told her that this way she could still carry a bit of Mommy’s Milk next to her heart even though she isn’t nursing. She thought this was a great idea, and I think it made her feel a lot better. She was able to talk to me about being weaned for the rest of the day without seeming sad or upset.

At bedtime, I suggested Maggie’s Weaning again, and this time she agreed. She happily heard the story and was particularly excited at the end when Maggie is big enough to be a flower girl (as Munchkin is going to be in May) and ride a bike. She would like to have a weaning party too, just like in the book. It seems like she suddenly identifies with this book, whereas before she totally rejected it! She even asked if we could meet Maggie (to which I told her that based on the publication date, Maggie should be a grown-up now!).

Munchkin’s nursing journey was long and fulfilling for us both, and I’m glad that it tapered off slowly and at her own pace. I’m glad that she seems to be coming to terms with weaning now. We both may have some tears yet to come though.

Munchkin insists that she’s not weaned. She doesn’t care that the last time she nursed was over a month ago. It doesn’t mean she is weaned. Last night, while I was reading her story, she slyly unbuttoned my shirt and peered inside. Our conversation went something like this:

Munchkin, 4 years old, and me

Munchkin: Can I have some Mommy’s milk?
Me: You want Mommy’s milk? You haven’t had any in a long time. I thought you were weaned.
Munchkin: I’m NOT weaned!
Me: Oh, I just thought maybe you were, because you haven’t had Mommy’s milk in weeks and weeks.
Munchkin: NO, I’m NOT weaned!
Me: Oh, okay, that’s okay.
Munchkin: When I’m five, then I will be weaned. But I’m not five, I’m still four. So that means I’m NOT weaned.
Me: Well, you could be weaned now, if you wanted, even though you are still four. Would you like to be weaned? It’s okay, even when you are four.
Munchkin: NO, I will be weaned when I’m FIVE. When I have my birthday, then I will be five, and I will be weaned.
Me: Really? What happens special when you are five, that means you will wean then?
Munchkin: Then I will go to kindergarten.
Me: What does that have to do with weaning?
Munchkin: Kindergarten is different from preschool. When I’m in kindergarten I will be weaned.
Me: Oh, okay.
Munchkin: So I want some Mommy’s milk.
Me: So, let me ask you something else first. What makes you want Mommy’s milk tonight?
Munchkin: I’m not weaned, so I can still have it.
Me: I know, but you haven’t wanted Mommy’s milk in weeks and weeks. Why do you want it tonight, but you didn’t want it yesterday, or the day before, or the day before that? Do you know what I mean?
Munchkin: Well, on those days I was already full, but today I’m not, so I need some Mommy’s milk.
Me: Are you thirsty or hungry? Would you like some water instead? Or a cup of milk? Or chocolate milk?…
Munchkin: CHOCOLATE MILK!!!
Me: Would you rather have chocolate milk instead of Mommy’s milk? Or do you still want Mommy’s milk?
Munchkin: I want chocolate milk! Let’s go!
Me: Okay, we can do that.

So we went downstairs and she drank a cup of chocolate milk and ate a banana while I read her story. She didn’t have Mommy’s milk. She hasn’t had it in 5+ weeks. But she’s NOT weaned. Don’t even suggest it!

I wonder if being a nursling is part of her identity that she’s not ready to give up yet, even if she’s not nursing anymore.  For me, I’m not giving up my identity as a nursing mother yet, because I’m still nursing Sweets and expect to be for a long while still.  I think that in that way it will be much harder for me when Sweets weans, because I will be losing that part of my identity which has been so important to me for the past 5 years (and a few more years yet to come).  But as Munchkin weans, I am not losing my identity as a nursing mother, only my identity as a tandem nursing mother.  Maybe it’s harder right now for her to give up the idea of nursing than it is to give up nursing itself.

I’ve heard stories from mothers who practiced child-led weaning who said that nursing phased out so gradually that one day they just noticed that their child was weaned, and they didn’t remember when the last time was. Some have said this with regret, that they wish they could remember that last nursing. Knowing that I would want to remember Munchkin’s last nursing, I started tracking her nursings on the calendar when they became sporadic.

The last time Munchkin nursed was 3 weeks ago at bedtime when I sat down to read her bedtime story. It had previously been a part of our bedtime routine to nurse while we read the story, but we hadn’t done it for a long time. A week and a half prior when she had asked to nurse, she had asked in the morning when she woke up, which was the other nursing time that had once been routine for us. This night, as I sat on her bed with the Disney chapter book we had recently started reading, I said to her, “Really? You want to nurse? I thought that maybe you had weaned?!” She said “NoOh!” in that sing-songy way that says  “Mom, you are SOO silly.” I asked, as I have before, “Do you think that you might be ready to wean soon?” She said, “Well, maybe when I’m 5.” I said, “Oh, okay, we’ll see” and we nursed. For about 5 seconds! She was barely on when she popped right back off. I said, “That’s it? You’re done?” and she said “Yep” so she sat on my lap while I finished reading the chapter.

It has now been three weeks since Munchkin’s last nursing. She nursed 5 times in December, but not at all in January (so far). Is she done? Was that really her last one? I don’t know. She has gone two weeks without nursing before, but not three; this is the longest she has ever gone without nursing. But, I have been convinced before that she was weaned, and she wasn’t, so I’m not ready to call our nursing days over yet at this point. When will I be convinced that she is really done? After a month? Two months? More? I don’t know.

Munchkin this winter

Do you remember your child’s last nursing?  Did you make special note of it?  If you practiced child-led weaning, how long did it take for you to know that your child was really done?

Here are the answers to some of the most frequent questions I’ve been asked about tandem nursing.  If you have any other questions about tandem nursing, let me know in the comments and I’ll try to answer! I’d love to hear about others’ experiences with tandem nursing too!

Is it possible to keep nursing while I’m pregnant? And is it safe?
Nursing through pregnancy is definitely possible – I did it anyway! In most cases, it is safe. Nursing can cause mild contractions, but no more than sex would cause. So, the general rule of thumb is that if you are safe to have sex, then you are safe to keep breastfeeding. If you are put on pelvic bed-rest, you might consider that good cause for weaning. You can continue to nurse all the way through your pregnancy if both you and your baby want to, but something like 70% of babes will wean during pregnancy, either by mother’s or baby’s choice. If your older baby is still nursing when your new baby is born, that is called tandem nursing.

How do I decide if I even want to tandem nurse?
Read Adventures In Tandem Nursing, It has a lot of information on nursing during pregnancy and making the decision about tandem nursing, as well as tips on actually tandeming.

When I was pregnant, I hoped that Munchkin would wean on her own just so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the decision of whether to wean her or tandem nurse. But in the end, I decided that I wanted it to be her choice when to finally wean, not mine. During my pregnancy, I imposed limits on how often and how long she nursed at a time, but I did not cut her off. She went down to nursing only about once per week for the last 6 months of my pregnancy. I kept thinking she was about to wean, but she just didn’t. If I had wanted to, I think I could have weaned her then, but I because I wanted it to be child-led, I decided to leave that final call up to her. She didn’t wean, so we ended up tandem nursing.

What changes can I expect when nursing during pregnancy? Does my milk change when I’m pregnant? What about colostrum?
You will probably experience nipple pain while nursing during pregnancy. Many women choose to wean or at least decrease nursing because of this. I chose to night-wean largely because of it.

During early pregnancy, your milk may start to taste different to your baby because the proportion of salt to sugar changes. The saltier taste may make baby feel thirstier, and thus make her want to nurse even more! This can create a problem for mom if she is already experiencing nipple pain associated with pregnancy. Munchkin was old enough to be comfortable drinking water when I got pregnant, and she would chug water after nursing during my first trimester! Other babies may wean abruptly because they don’t like the changed taste of the milk.

Your supply will probably decrease at some time during your pregnancy. Your baby may want to nurse more in response to the low supply, or she may lose interest instead. At some point in your pregnancy, your milk will turn to colostrum. If your baby is still getting most of her nutrition from nursing, you may have to supplement at this point. Your baby might also decide she doesn’t like the taste of the colostrum and wean at this time. If your baby drinks a lot of the colostrum, her poops may become softer again, like a younger baby. The colostrum will remain until after the birth (so don’t worry, the new baby will still get her fair share of colostrum!), and then your milk will come in as normal after a few days.

Many babies wean during pregnancy due to the loss of milk and/or the changes of taste. Because I knew that I wanted to nurse Munchkin for at least two years, I waited until she was two to try to get pregnant. I would have been okay with it at that point if she had decided to wean during my pregnancy, but I wasn’t willing to risk it sooner.

How can I prepare my toddler for tandem nursing?
Munchkin was never one to nurse her “babies” herself much, but she always liked for me to nurse them. When I was pregnant, one way that I helped her acclimate to the idea of tandem nursing and “sharing the na-nas” was to tandem nurse Munchkin and a doll. Sometimes I would end up tandem nursing two dolls and Munchkin just watched!

We also talked about how Munchkin could drink Mommy’s Milk or cow’s milk or chocolate milk or juice or water and eat lots of foods, but the new baby would ONLY have Mommy’s Milk, so it was important for the new baby to get hers first. I think Munchkin understood that by the time Sweets was born, but we still kept talking about it after the birth too.

Will my toddler wean if I have to be away from her for the birth?
I didn’t worry about Munchkin weaning during the time when I would be in the hospital birthing Sweets. Munchkin was going days and days without nursing at that point – often 7-14 days – so I didn’t think that 2-3 nights would make a difference in that regard. It didn’t phase her at all.

What can I expect after the new baby comes?
I’ve heard of toddlers who nurse all the way through pregnancy and then decide that nursing is for babies once they see the new baby and just wean suddenly. I’ve heard of others who are so happy that their new sibling brought back the milk and nurse almost as much as the new baby does!

Munchkin went from nursing once a week during my pregnancy to about once or twice a day after Sweets came home. Then, one day when Sweets was about a week old, Munchkin came right off and said she didn’t like Mommy’s Milk anymore, and she didn’t nurse for several days. I thought she had suddenly decided to really wean. I kept offering, partly because I was engorged and would have liked her to nurse just then, but she refused. Then a few days later, she really wanted to nurse again, so went back to it. It was all very unpredictable.

How do you make sure the baby gets enough?
I let Munchkin nurse on the side that Sweets is done with. So, I would nurse Sweets on the left as long as she wanted, then when she switched to the right side, I’d let Munchkin nurse on the left. This way I felt that Sweets was getting everything she wanted.

Do you nurse them both at the exact same time? Doesn’t the toddler push the baby away?
Sometimes I nurse them together – one on each side – and sometimes I make Munchkin wait. We say “sometimes we share and sometimes we take turns”. When I nurse them together, Munchkin is very affectionate toward Sweets, and strokes her head and holds her hand, which is very sweet. They have a very close relationship already, and I think nursing together contributes to that. Now that Munchkin is older, she seems to have forgotten how to get milk when she nurses. If she nurses together with Sweets though, she can get milk because Sweets brings the let-down. She says that Sweets brings her the milk and is very appreciative.

How do you nurse two together, logistically speaking?
There are lots of options, but I tend to like a position where I am leaning back with each child lying long-ways down my body supported on the outside by my arms. Basically, just find any position that’s comfortable and go for it!

Does the toddler get jealous?
I don’t think that tandem nursing has caused friction or jealousy at all. Actually, the opposite. I think it was something that they could share in common. They would hold hands or Munchkin would stroke Sweets’ head. As long as Munchkin could get hers too, she didn’t feel like Sweets was taking anything from her. I think that if Sweets got to nurse and Munchkin couldn’t, that THAT would be more likely to cause friction.

Isn’t it exhausing to nurse two?
Munchkin kept up nursing about once a week throughout my pregnancy and once Sweets was born she went back up to about once a day, and later twice a day before dropping sessions again. Honestly, tandem nursing hasn’t been very difficult for us because she doesn’t nurse all that much. It’s not like having twins where they are both nursing all the time. Once the newness of the baby was past, I limited Munchkin to nursing only first thing in the morning or last thing before bed, and the rest of the time the milk was for Sweets. I usually let Munchkin nurse for the time it takes me to read her a book (and then choose the book I want accordingly!). Setting limits like this helps me not feel burnt out.

What do others think when they see you tandem nursing?
Since Munchkin only nurse at certain times, it cuts way down on the times when anyone else would ever see me tandem nursing them, unless they are at our house at bedtime. There have been a few occasions when people have seen it, and if they are surprised, I just say “hey, two boobs, two babies!”

A version of this post also appeared as a guest post on Natural Parents Network (where I am a moderator on the forums) and Code Name: Mama

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Signing with Children for Fun and Communication

Sweets is now 16 months old, and she doesn’t talk. She is currently being evaluated by specialists and is enrolled in developmental therapy, but she doesn’t talk yet. At all. Not even “mama”.

She is learning to sign though!

We already know lots of American Sign Language (ASL) vocabulary in our family – we signed for fun and early communication with Munchkin since she was a baby, and her speech developed typically. We have the entire collection of Signing Time episodes, and Munchkin knew about 50 signs by the time she was Sweets’ age (Munchkin even auditioned for Baby Signing Time!). So when the therapist said we should sign with Sweets, we knew that would be easy – we were already doing it!

For my typically developing child, signing supplemented her communication as a baby and became a fun activity for us to learn together as she got older. For my developmentally delayed child, signing is her only method of communication at this point. Sweets can do about 8-10 signs now, but mostly uses two of them at this point – MILK (as in “mama’s milk”) and MORE.

It has been wonderful to see her learn that she can communicate through signing. Now that she can sign MILK (“breastmilk,” that is), she does it all the time! I think it’s more because it’s fun to ask rather than because she really wants to nurse all the time. I imagine her inner monologue:

“Hey – I can do this thing with my hand . . . and mama stops what she’s doing and pays attention to me . . . and then I get to nurse! How cool is that?! Let’s see if it works again. Yep! Again? Yes! This is awesome power!”

Because I respond to her signing, it encourages her to ask again. And this is teaching her the function of language even though she can’t speak yet. I think it has been especially meaningful for her to learn to sign MILK because nursing is very important to her.

Signing for Communication

The primary benefit that most people desire when they sign with their hearing baby is added communication with a baby who is pre-verbal. When a pre-verbal baby or toddler can communicate her needs, she has less frustration and less need for crying and tantrums. But besides communicating basic needs, signing can also give you a window into the thoughts of your small child.

I remember a time when I was carrying 13 month old Munchkin to the car, and she suddenly started signing BIRD excitedly. I looked around, and indeed there was a bird in the tree nearby! I had known that she could sign BIRD when looking at a picture of a bird in a book, but this was the first time that she really initiated a sign to indicate an interest in the world around her rather than to express a need. It really made me aware at that moment that she was an actual little person inside this little baby body, with her own thoughts that I wasn’t necessarily aware of, and her thoughts were about more than just her basic needs. I loved that I had that window into her thoughts at that young age.

Other Practical Benefits of Signing

Besides the obvious benefit of communication with your pre-verbal child, sign language also has benefits for your child even after she is verbal. Your child can communicate with you discreetly and quietly when you are in public. Some people have “code words” for their toddlers to use when asking to nurse in public because they don’t want to advertise their nursing to everyone. Signing accomplishes the same goal of discretion when your toddler asks to nurse in front of others.

Another benefit is that your little one can ask to nurse without interrupting your adult conversations. This benefit isn’t limited to just nursing of course. When I was a little girl my mother taught me to sign TOILET when I needed to use the bathroom in public places, which worked well if she was in the middle of conversation with other adults or if I was just feeling too shy to mention it out loud. Another benefit is that signing can be used across a distance when speaking would be impractical or ineffective. I recently used signing in this way from across the room in a restaurant – “YOU WANT WATER, MILK – WHICH?” – and Munchkin was able to tell me what kind of drink she wanted me to order for her.

How Early Can I Start Signing with My Baby?

When your baby is able to make controlled hand movements, your baby can start signing. Can your baby clap, wave, or point? That’s no different from signing! For many babies, this happens around 8-12 months old. You can sign with baby from the start if you want, or you can wait to start signing until your baby can wave. By the way, when I taught my girls to wave, I taught them to do a “princess wave” with an open hand that rotates at the wrist. Many people use a wave with a baby that involves folding the fingers down over the palm, but I find this to be hard to distinguish from the MILK sign, so I chose not to use that type of wave to avoid confusion.

Baby Signs vs ASL

If your goal with signing is just to serve as a bridge of communication before your child is able to communicate verbally, then you may consider “baby signs” instead of ASL. The advantages of baby signs are that they are supposed to be easier for babies to do, and you can make up your own signs instead of having to learn vocabulary first.

I am not worried that ASL signs might be “too hard” for my baby any more than I worry that English words are too hard for her. Babies learn to sign by first doing a “baby talk” version of signs the same way that they do with verbal language, and with practice they learn to sign properly. I prefer to use ASL signs because ASL is a real language, just like English.

By teaching ASL and continuing to use signs after my children learn to talk, I am giving them the building blocks for learning a second language. Because we use real ASL signs and not made-up signs, anyone else who knows ASL signs can understand and communicate with my child too. This has been helpful at daycare, where our teacher also uses ASL signs in the classroom at our request. And one day in the future, my daughter might meet a child whose primary language is ASL, and they will be able to communicate together! That could never happen with baby signs.

What Sign Should I Use for Breastfeeding?

Sweets starts the sign MILK with an open hand

Sweets completes the sign MILK with a closed fist

Many people just use the sign MILK to mean breastfeeding, and then later they use it to mean cow’s milk. There is not much confusion between the two, because the timing often doesn’t overlap in our culture – breastfeeding ends and then cow’s milk begins, and there is no need for the child to have to differentiate between the two with different signs, because she is not experiencing both at the same time.

But for those of us who nurse into toddlerhood, there can be confusion if you want your child to be able to differentiate between nursing and cow’s milk when signing. In our house, we just use the sign MILK to mean any milk at first, but as she gets older, we add MOMMY-MILK or COW-MILK to differentiate. There are other ways to sign for nursing when you want to differentiate from milk in a cup too.  Below are some more examples of other ways you and your child can sign milk (breastmilk or cow’s milk).

1. Use one of the ASL signs for BREASTFEED
2. Use just the sign BREAST for nursing, and the sign MILK for cow’s milk
3. Make a sign like FEED but start the motion just below your breast and extend it down toward the baby for nursing
4. Use the bent O hand shape (like EAT) and tap above each breast for nursing
5. Use the sign MILK for nursing, and the signs CUP-MILK for cow’s milk
6. Use the sign MILK once for any kind of milk, but sign twice (MILK-MILK) for nursing
7. Sign MILK near the breast for nursing, and sign MILK out in front of you for milk in a cup
8. Make up your own sign for breastfeeding!